Conflict can be Repaired

Parental conflict can range from constructive to destructive, to domestic violence in its most extreme form. Fortunately, normal levels of conflict are manageable and even give children chances to learn and grow, provided everyone remains safe. Much long-term harm to your child is preventable, and damage from many forms of conflict can be repaired.

Children Need Emotional Support to Thrive 

Just as plants need soil to grow, your child needs emotional nourishment from you for their emotional and social development. As a parent, you are like a gardener. You and the relationships you create around your child become the soil your child grows in.

Low level conflict between parents is a normal part of family life. While it can include accommodating behaviours (such as staying calm, and seeing the other parent’s point of view), there are times when it becomes destructive. Being around destructive conflict between parents (such as anger, distrust, threats, shouting, or the ‘silent treatment’) is like a toxin or bad soil. You might not see the damage at first, but emotional toxins can have a negative impact on your child’s long-term mental health and future life chances.

Importantly, most parents can make small changes that make big differences to your child’s life, allowing them to thrive and flourish.

Reflections

Consider how you respond to your partner or former partner when you are in a verbal disagreement, that’s unpleasant but not unsafe. Do you recognise unhelpful behaviours in yourself? If you do, there is something you can do about it, beginning with communicating differently.

Love and Care Shapes Your Child

Your everyday love and care are vital to shaping your child’s emotional and social development. Conflict can impact how you parent and the quality of the relationship you have with your child.

You Are Their Safe Place

Just as a plant needs energy from the sun to grow, a climate of care that fosters secure attachment lays the foundations for growth in your child’s higher brain, supporting their ability to stay calm, manage what they feel, and ultimately cope with stress and thrive in the real world. The first 1000 days of life – between conception and your child’s 2nd birthday – is a unique window of opportunity for you to build this sort of relationship with your child.

Secure attachments also underpin future relationships. A secure attachment to parents means a child is likely to be less distressed when separated from you, more confident mixing with others, and develop stronger social skills. As they venture out into the big world, they will be secure in the knowledge that there is a safe haven with you if they need it.

Conflict can impact how you parent. When you react, you are not as emotionally available to your child – not the secure base they need. Over time, that may shake their developmental foundations. If conflict goes on as a pattern, many parts of their emotional growth cannot take root…. And important parts of their emotional growth may start to wilt.

Reflections

Consider how you show your child love and care. Are you sensitive to their needs? Are you responsive and consistent in fulfilling them? Are you physically and emotionally available? These are simple ways in which you help your child develop and keep a secure attachment with you.

Communication is Key

Parents who do the best by their children do not just act out their conflict with each other. They learn to look through a developmental lens, think, and talk, about the good, the bad, and the ugly of what is happening in their family.

You Can Champion Your Child’s Emotional Growth

You can become a better gardener of your child’s emotional growth.

“I looked at things from my child’s point of view” 

Observe the conflict through your child’s eyes. This will help you to consider how the situation might be affecting your child’s development, and motivate you to respond more constructively.

“I started to see my partner as human, and not some kind of monster sent to destroy me.” 
Conflict with your partner can be unsettling, and they may feel like a perpetual drain on you, or even like an enemy. Provided their behavior is essentially safe, then seeing the other parent as a real person in your child’s life – who they love, need, and depend on – will help you to gain some perspective.

“I thought like a parent, and not like an ex-partner. I kept my parenting mind on the job, not my litigating mind.” 
Prioritise your child above your anger. Every time you are tempted to engage in conflict, step out of the situation, take stock of what is going on, and reengage in a way that is constructive to your child.

“I stopped blaming.” 
Define the problems that you have with the other parent in terms of differences between you, rather than defects. A focus on defectiveness leads to blame and avoiding responsibility, and constructive interactions are not likely to result.

“I stopped reacting.” 
Learn to control your impulses, so that you do not say or do anything that you will regret or wish you had done better.

“I repaired what could be repaired, and stepped up to the idea of preventing any more damage.”

Reflections

Consider how you behave when you are with your child. Are you soundly in the role of parent?  Reflect for a moment on the experience of other parents (such as those above). Are there ways you can be more fully focused on protecting and nourishing your child to thrive.

Parents are Healers 

As a parent, you are the best healer. It is never too late to learn how to do it differently – with the right support. Saying sorry for conflict that you were part of is a critical tool for re-stabilising your child.

You can be a Positive Role Model

When you step into the shoes of being the emotional hero in your child’s life, you are a positive role model who helps your family recover from conflict and violence, and who prevents future conflict and violence.

Saying sorry for conflict and violence that you were part of is a critical tool for re-stabilising your child. There are six steps to a developmental apology about parent conflict.

There are specialist services available to help family members work through very difficult issues of high level conflict and violence. Seek professional advice if you think you need some assistance.

6 Steps Towards A Developmental Apology

1. Recognise that the violence occurred and it caused confusion, distress or pain for your child and for you.
2. Acknowledge it was wrong. Violence is never right, it’s illegal. Own it. Speak only for yourself and never blame anyone else in this apology.
3. Name the consequence and how it made your child feel. Let them know you feel it too.
4. Apologise – say sorry and let them know you will do everything you can to keep you and your family safe.
5. Reassure your child that none of it was their fault.
6. Make a commitment to repair and prevention and let them know what you will do to make them feel safe.

Reflections

Consider how you might say sorry to your child during times of conflict.

Lived Experience Collective Story Game – Train the Trainer

In this video, Billy Kriaris, Community Engagement Coordinator and Senior Practitioner at Relationships Australia SA, discusses the importance of lived experience and how the Lived Experience Collective Story Game can support people in their journey.

Lived experience stories are important because they offer a human face to a greater social problem.

Sometimes it is understandably difficult for people to talk about the harm and devastation they have experienced. 

The Lived Experience Collective Story Game generates collective stories by bringing together the experiences of many – that are shared with the roll of a dice – without inviting re-traumatisation or exposing individuals.

It offers a great deal more than just a game, as the game is set up as a workshop and a safe place to come together, talk, share food, and engage in art and story making.